Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Y’all know who you are.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?