My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*