me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone