Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The fall of Netflix
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.