ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
the red hot silly peppers
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
“and how does that make you feel?”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it