I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A man of commitment.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol