* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
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Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Follow me for more recipes
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E