A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.