every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
In case you needed to hear it:
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever