[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
You Might Also Like
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.