The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
The Backseat Boys
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually