*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
just witnessed a drug deal
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars