I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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A French press is when you hug naked
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
dutch so unserious
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Pretty certain I can more drunk
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Finally
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.