Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”