Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??