Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.