The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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I don’t get marriage
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
🤣🤣
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Easy enough.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.