Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
You Might Also Like
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??