This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Cannot stop laughing at this
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
me
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.