[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Butt weight. There’s more!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.