Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.