Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Imma just leave this here…………
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?