Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
me, too, girl. me, too.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr