Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year