Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules