Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
LOL!
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
This can never not be funny 😭😭