the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
listen closely
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.