*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
How high do the levels go?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Growing up was a huge mistake
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.