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[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom