Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.