Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.