[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
So many pants.
So little yoga.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?