If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late