🖤✌🏽
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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what