Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?