Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.