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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces