Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.