I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Real House Wines.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!