[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Me too
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”