We have a winner.
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
This anagram machine is out of order.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.