Twitter is the new flypaper.
You Might Also Like
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.