there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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never forget
got banned from Trader Joe鈥檚 for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i鈥檒l have the uhhhhhhhhhh
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there鈥檚 a small chance you鈥檙e the target of a police sting.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Thoughts
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I鈥檓 not allowed
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don鈥檛 know, I kinda like her