I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
this is uni
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Hello, my name is Pierre.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.