here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Natural selection at its finest
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?