I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe