If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
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My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
😍😂🥰😂😍
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Meeeee too!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.