Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
All set.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?