one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
You Might Also Like
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by