[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Baller is short for ballerina
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
finally found a reasonable question
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.